Stop me of you think you've heard this one before.
So, today I'm going to Austin, so I don't really have much time to talk. We're leaving at around 8pm, and I actually think the ride there will be fun. Or, at least, I'll be able to sleep. Although maybe I won't because of all the excitement. Well, anywho. I love everything! Even school.
the hum of the computer graces my ears once again...
So...one day my computer just turned off right when I was trying to use it. Just turned right off. How rude! I was right in the middle of a conversation with Lor. It was off for four days! What the hell is that?
Thursday was a really great day. >sigh< That's all I have to say.
Goodbye, my loves!
Go watch Romeo and Juliet, for it is a great movie and I can't watch it because my VCR doesn't work without the remote and I can't find it! Aah! bye.
update...i guess
fuck adware.
Nina's coming back soon-like on Thursday. Yay! I cant wait to see her- my best friend.
On Friday me and Sara and I don't know who else are going to start shooting the movie downtown. Yay again! I cant wait. Who knows if we're prepared. But I don't care! We're going to meet at Say Si at noon and then go from there. It will just be the scenes with girls in them.
Saturday is Chris's Bday party. He doesn't even know where it's gonna be. that's ok i guess. I don't know what to get him for his BD but maybe on Friday when we're downtown I'll find something cool for him. Hopefully at his party we'll be able to do some filming too, cause there's a party scene in the screenplay I think. I'm supposed to be on the brink of drunk, but I think I'll be able to put juice or something in my cup. And we should do the party filming before everyone gets drunk. Ugh.
Gotta go, loves. "Good-night. God knows when we shall meet again."
ha
now eating a pb&j on toast. so much better than a stale old pop-tart. but not worth 2.69.
jeez, louise!
okay, i just went to the corner store to get pop-tarts. i must be really stupid. i got home and they were all stale and really gross! I looked at the date on the box and it said october 7 -- 2003!!! WTF! i wish i could get my money back. i spent 2.50 on that shit! out of my own pocket! aaagh!! So gross.
once again, ideas
everyone give me three ideas of pictures you want to see posted to this blog. It'll be fun! hopefully I'll be able to borrow a digital cam and do some shit. Maybe also for my art blog, too. cool. and thank you, monica!
the squalor of the mind...
I'm tired of all these stupid sad posts. It's a very nice day, and I hope to enjoy it!! Hopefully my homework won't get too much in the way. Argh. It's sunny outside!
so many morrissey songs mean so much to me...
LET ME KISS YOU
there's a place in the sun
for anyone who has the will to chase one
and i think i've found mine
yes, i do believe i've found mine / so
close your eyes
and think of someone
you physically admire
and let me kiss you
let me kiss you
I've zig-zagged all over America
and i cannot find a safety haven
say would you let me cry
on your shoulder
i've heard that you'll try anything twice
close your eyes
and think of someone you physically admire
and let me kiss you
let me kiss you
but then you open your eyes
and you see someone
that you physically despise
but my heart is open
my heart is open to you
I HAVE FORGIVEN JESUS
i was a good kid
i wouldn't do you no harm
i was a nice kid
with a nice paper-round
forgive me any pain
i may have brung to you
with God's help i know
i'll always be near to you
but jesus hurt me
for all the desire
he placed in me there's nothing i can do
about desire
I was a good kid
through the hail and snow i'd go
just to moon you
i carried my heart in my hand
do you understand?
do you understand?
jesus hurted
when he deserted me, but
i have forgiven jesus
for all the love
he placed in me
when there's no-one i can turn to with this love
monday-humiliation
tuesday-suffocation
wednesday-condescension
thursday-is just pathetic
by friday-life has killed me
by friday-life has killed me
why did you give me
so much desire?
when there is nowhere i can go
to offload this desire
why did you give me
so much love
in a loveless world
when there is no one i can turn to
to unlock all this love
why did you stick me in
self-deprecating bones and skin
jesus - do you hate me?
why did you stick me in
self-deprecating bones and skin
do you hate me? do you hate me?
do you hate me? do you hate me?
why do you think I let you get away with the things you say to me?
Could it be I like you?
It's so shameful of me / I like you
Gil, Fern and Christina came over and we had fun, but now I'm sad. Towards the time that they left, we started talking about love. And people we liked, and I realized that I probably will be like Morrissey--always alone, whether I'm with someone or not. I was saying that you don't have to have broken up with someone to have a broken heart. Being alone is so heartbreaking...it hurts my chest. I guess it breaks my heart because it makes me think nobody wants me or could imagine themself with me, and it hurts me, like I'm someone who cannot be desired. As my friends left I felt really sad. I guess I get that from time to time--I start thinking about things and it really gets to me and I end up thinking I'll be alone forever. I mean, it IS better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. All these people I look at, who I imagine myself with-they just think of me as some other girl, not any love or person that you can have an emotional connection with. Even this person that I am sort of talking to, unofficially, probably just thinks of me as another girl in a series of girls that will never end throughout his life until he finally gives in and is forced to marry one just so he can split the rent and have somewhere to live, with a person that regularly gives them sex. It just disgusts me how numb this world can be. I have so much desire and so much love in my heart and my body that I feel like I'm going to explode at any second, and maybe then the world will recieve my love and realize that they need to forget their petty and frivolous lives and live a life full of love and desire for every living creature, art, music, the spirit world, people, and get over their egotistic thoughts, trying to play God with science, and just get back to the basic living of life. With love. All we need is love, and I don't want to be alone with my heart.
i just LOVE getting high...
since i love getting high so much, i decided to bleach my hair AGAIN. i thought i was going to pass out. my head was really starting to hurt. but now i have pretty blonde hair, and i kinda feel like Gwen Stefani, only i have black tips. i like wearing red lipstick with my platinum hair. well, almost platinum. i feel like a different person.
i'm at say si and they just got some new-old TVs and are trying them out. i think they're for the exhibit for the November first friday. i'm not saying anything else. i'm really hungry, but i forgot to bring food. aagh! and i don't know what to do cause pablo's being weird and won't come over to the media arts studio where he belongs. he's subbing for claudio and victoria who are at portfolio day, where i should be. that's ok, though, I'll go next year. anyway, i have to learn the music for first friday, but he's all-- over there. darnit!
a person inside yourself
She thrusts herself outside of her house, tears burning her eyes and throat. Her chunky black shoes knock against the strip of sky pavement, every step interrupting her thought. She soaks in the neighborhood--neighbors dragging in their green recycling bins, children playing and laughing, trumpets coming from the mariachis down the street. She gets angry at the salt on her face and rubs at it violently, each tear stinging more than the last. She is lost.
She feels trapped inside her house, a place where she no longer feels at home. She may walk her neighborhood a hundred times over but she doesn't know it anymore. She is searching for love. She lays down on the grass of strange houses, feeling what it is like on the greener side. She longs for it. She will walk past each house and look into other people's happy or tragic lives. She runs her fingers along red and blue cars, flowerbeds, and the whitewashed sides of homes. She stands outside each house and flees from each one that lights up when she passes by. Her eyes that used to be clear and blue with a bright yellow sunburst in the center are now tainted with dust and fog, a blue-gray, grown weary from such a lengthy love journey. She longs to be gone, away from everything and everyone she once loved and find something new that will wrap its arms around her, keeping her safe and content. She hopes for color, bright reds and yellows, but is sick of the giant disgusting flowers she used to paint on a happy, unsuspecting day. Love eludes her, for every time she feels she may have a grasp on it, it bends its bones and slips out of her bruised hands. "Will anyone think of me as a love?" she asks herself, and closes her eyes.
sea of love...
come with me
my love
to the sea
the sea of love
i want to tell you
how much
i love you
...i forgot the rest of the words.
but it's a really pretty song.
if anyone knows the rest of the words please post a comment.
hoo, gettin' a little woozy over here...
Wow, I'm not sure I'm supposed to have a headache right now. I'm waiting for the bleach in my hair to take effect. Yeah, I said it! Bleach! So hopefully it won't look like crap, because I didn't put bleach in the black part cause I dont want ugly orange in my hair. I think after I have the platinum there and obvious, I'll be able to cut off some black parts. I think I'm gonna pass out. Whoo!
bad at goodbyes
God, why do I put myself through this? Nobody's leaving forever, and yet here I am with salt on my face. I spent the last year becoming an emotionless person so that maybe I could forget having to go through such shit again. I push my sadness down into the deepest pit of an empty heart and hope it will only be forgotten dust in a corner. I don't want it to be a last goodbye, and I know it isn't so why do I act like it is? It is just so hard for me. For someone to tell you to be good and that they'll be back and that they love you is just something that I seem I can never trust, because it was never really proven to me. It hurts so much.
oh, god. is this me?
my television just told me that I needed a real relationship. I do.
ideas
everyone give me three ideas of pictures you want to see posted to this blog. It'll be fun! hopefully I'll be able to borrow a digital cam and do some shit. Maybe also for my art blog, too. cool.
estoy triste...
I'm saying I'm sad because Nina and the girls are leaving to go record their EP. I feel so selfish. They're going to do something good for themselves, and only leaving for a week. But they have a show tonight at the Sanctuary and my mother was being mean and won't let me go. I really want to because it's their last night in town. I just hate not being able to say goodbye, is all. I think I have separation anxiety, because of my father. Every time he visited, I was never sure when I would be able to see him again. He would visit every year, but then it became every two years, and the last time I saw him it was almost three years before. Three years before he died. So the last time I saw him was about four years ago. When he left, I was unsure of when I would see him again. I never did. The reason I have this self-diagnosed separation anxiety is because I am so afraid of never seeing this person again that I end up making it a much bigger deal than it is and I get very upset. That's why I always want to make sure I say a goodbye to them and make sure I tell them I love them. I didn't do that today. I just said that I'd try to go to the show. And, of course, with my mom as my mom, I cannot. I have shown her that she can trust me, but of course I have also shown her that she can't trust me. But tonight she can. Maybe I should sneak out of the house. I've never done that before. I also think I never will. It's sad that I have to resort to stupid low thoughts, or even sometimes when I'm sad thinking of self-mutilation. Nothing like cutting myself, but like...biting myself. That's weird, but sometimes it gives me this weird release, and only leaves a bruise that most people don't notice. But I do, and sometimes it feels good. I don't usually do that over a certain person or thing, but I do it if i am frustrated with things. But I have to be really frustrated.
Anyway, the Spanish title is because in the van to Say Si we (me and Claudio) were speaking in Spanish and I was saying I was sad because my friend was leaving. I dont know why but it just really makes me feel selfish.
A bunch of people are getting here and I don't know if I should get off of the computer. I feel like I should be doing some sort of work, but the work I need to do is really messy and I'm wearing clean clothes. Damnit.
one in the bag
I think the only way I will be able to publish my blog posts is if I do it at Say Si on the big cool eMacs. I guess that's ok, because then I can use these great igloo looking things. But I hope I can do it on my computer and won't have to republish the whole blog every single time I want to post something. Arrr. Uhh..am I a pirate or what??
fuck!
Fuck MySpace! Goddamnit! It fucked up my computer, and now I have these stupid pop-ups all over the place, and it is very fucking inconvenient! I can't even post a comment on my own fucking blog. I don't even know if this will show up on the internet because every time I try to do something the stupid "this page cannot be displayed" shit comes up. AAAAGGGGHHHH!!! I feel like murdering something. And I don't usually say shit like that but my computer is being a fucking asshole. God damnit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i do have friends!
I went out last night to see the girls play at the Communion. Well, Sanctuary. And I didn't get to go to the dance room because they wouldn't let minors in there for some strange reason. But that's okay. Henry did a stage dive and hit his head on the concrete really hard. I hope he's okay. It seems people have 9 lives along with cats. I've seen too many things happen.
So last night Nina was in a weird mood, and didn't want me to spend the night. :( I don't know what was up with her. So since I didn't really feel like going home, I went to Jenn and Phanie's house and it was fun. I realized that they are my friends, too, and I don't have to be hanging out with Nina to hang out with them. Not that I'm not Nina's friend, just that I am close friends with them, too. Nina says everything happens for a reason. Like maybe because she was in a bad mood, I got to bond with them. Which was fun and nice.
