first date

estoy triste...

I'm saying I'm sad because Nina and the girls are leaving to go record their EP. I feel so selfish. They're going to do something good for themselves, and only leaving for a week. But they have a show tonight at the Sanctuary and my mother was being mean and won't let me go. I really want to because it's their last night in town. I just hate not being able to say goodbye, is all. I think I have separation anxiety, because of my father. Every time he visited, I was never sure when I would be able to see him again. He would visit every year, but then it became every two years, and the last time I saw him it was almost three years before. Three years before he died. So the last time I saw him was about four years ago. When he left, I was unsure of when I would see him again. I never did. The reason I have this self-diagnosed separation anxiety is because I am so afraid of never seeing this person again that I end up making it a much bigger deal than it is and I get very upset. That's why I always want to make sure I say a goodbye to them and make sure I tell them I love them. I didn't do that today. I just said that I'd try to go to the show. And, of course, with my mom as my mom, I cannot. I have shown her that she can trust me, but of course I have also shown her that she can't trust me. But tonight she can. Maybe I should sneak out of the house. I've never done that before. I also think I never will. It's sad that I have to resort to stupid low thoughts, or even sometimes when I'm sad thinking of self-mutilation. Nothing like cutting myself, but like...biting myself. That's weird, but sometimes it gives me this weird release, and only leaves a bruise that most people don't notice. But I do, and sometimes it feels good. I don't usually do that over a certain person or thing, but I do it if i am frustrated with things. But I have to be really frustrated.
Anyway, the Spanish title is because in the van to Say Si we (me and Claudio) were speaking in Spanish and I was saying I was sad because my friend was leaving. I dont know why but it just really makes me feel selfish.
A bunch of people are getting here and I don't know if I should get off of the computer. I feel like I should be doing some sort of work, but the work I need to do is really messy and I'm wearing clean clothes. Damnit.

posted by carlygarza @ 7:06 PM