first date

why do you think I let you get away with the things you say to me?

Could it be I like you?
It's so shameful of me / I like you

Gil, Fern and Christina came over and we had fun, but now I'm sad. Towards the time that they left, we started talking about love. And people we liked, and I realized that I probably will be like Morrissey--always alone, whether I'm with someone or not. I was saying that you don't have to have broken up with someone to have a broken heart. Being alone is so heartbreaking...it hurts my chest. I guess it breaks my heart because it makes me think nobody wants me or could imagine themself with me, and it hurts me, like I'm someone who cannot be desired. As my friends left I felt really sad. I guess I get that from time to time--I start thinking about things and it really gets to me and I end up thinking I'll be alone forever. I mean, it IS better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. All these people I look at, who I imagine myself with-they just think of me as some other girl, not any love or person that you can have an emotional connection with. Even this person that I am sort of talking to, unofficially, probably just thinks of me as another girl in a series of girls that will never end throughout his life until he finally gives in and is forced to marry one just so he can split the rent and have somewhere to live, with a person that regularly gives them sex. It just disgusts me how numb this world can be. I have so much desire and so much love in my heart and my body that I feel like I'm going to explode at any second, and maybe then the world will recieve my love and realize that they need to forget their petty and frivolous lives and live a life full of love and desire for every living creature, art, music, the spirit world, people, and get over their egotistic thoughts, trying to play God with science, and just get back to the basic living of life. With love. All we need is love, and I don't want to be alone with my heart.

posted by carlygarza @ 1:33 AM